"be patient. everything happens for a reason."
i look
out of my window to the sight of the high walls and barbed fences. i
look further ahead, i see a playground - children running about, on
swings soaking in the sunshine from a nice spring day. without a care in
the world. what a marked contrast from the souls living at this place -
sad faces, frowns, all bogged down wif the weight of things. happiness
around here is really just a myth. that is for many, at least!
konjit
is once again blasting her music from 3 doors away. i time and time
again wonder if it would be better to be her - to be so free, blissfully
unaware of her surroundings and happily oblivious to life, reality and
the pains of it. yes, she is one of the few exceptions to that myth.
humans.... sigh....
i
want to say i miss being young again, like one of them kids outside but
then on second thoughts, that would mean i'd have to go thru the whole
process of life and the inevitable pains of growing up - i changed my
mind.
i dreamt of being home and waking up on my own bed for the umpteenth time last night. if only....
i
wonder, how do you correct a wholly dysfunctional being? they say it
takes 21 days to give up a habit? complete bollocks! i feel more trapped
than ever. if i am a boat, there are a dozen of oars all pushing and
pulling in different directions. if only they would give it a rest.
if
only it was s.2. i would be out already by today. i wonder, how much
longer would it take? no one can offer promises around here. i feel
wasted.
"i never meant to let you down. forgive me if i slipped away."
dear God, please, i am getting so so desperate.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Monday, August 13, 2012
Passion, Hard Work, Determination, Disciplined
I knew I was in serious trouble the moment I realised I forgot totally what it feels like to have fun. Heck, I can't even remember when it was the last time I laughed so hard till my sides ached. This is simply not the girl I was - once so spontaneous, fun-loving, mischievous, so light and just able to laugh myself silly at the silliest thing. I suppose, it is till a point where I don't know any other life, apart from my family and work. Nobody can fathom how it happened. Me neither.
But it just happened. In similar ways like how the sun rises every morning and sets in the evening.
I must admit that I've had a truly wonderful and smashing four years or so. It's thrilling to work in an area that I am absolutely truly, madly and deeply passionate about. Being me, I so wanted desperately to prove my worth to everyone out there, skeptics and all sorts on my decision to deviate from my legal career to this unchartered waters instead. So many people thought I was mad. And never mind those to whom I use to be highly-revered but turned to look at me with distaste and scorn..
My life revolved around work and vice versa; there's no need for a work-life balance, I always say. For I take my work as life, and life as work. Every single piece of work is akin to my masterpiece - it has to be perfected to extreme perfection. Being an enthusiast, I lapped up every chance at grabbing every single piece of work, taking it upon myself and each time when my inner voice chided me, I justified my action by arguing that if I allowed someone else to do it, they will ultimately not do it well and everything will just crumble apart.
The business grew. Versa-Group expanded to areas that mum had always wanted to but never did. There is a healthy cash-flow and when we closed our books last year, our sales peaked at an amazing seven-figure amount - in exact tandem with what I loudly promised mum just two years ago.
And I'm proud at how far I've come. The rapports, respect and reputation that I've pain-stakingly attempted to establish - one brick at a time. I was convinced that I am the boss and as such, have to work a gazillion times harder then any of my employees.
I was so blinded by the fact that because I am so in love with what I do. No need such thing as work-life balance will always be my retort - for my work is my life and vice versa. Full stop.
But to stop now will mean letting my mum down. It means giving up on what I've been trying so hard to establish in this company and the business circle since I graduated.
If this is the price to pay, so be it. I've never allowed anyone's words of limitations to drag me down. Not this time either.
I am dragon, a relentlessly fiery one - you can't ever kill a dragon's spirit unless the dragon itself decides to do so on his/her own.
But it just happened. In similar ways like how the sun rises every morning and sets in the evening.
I must admit that I've had a truly wonderful and smashing four years or so. It's thrilling to work in an area that I am absolutely truly, madly and deeply passionate about. Being me, I so wanted desperately to prove my worth to everyone out there, skeptics and all sorts on my decision to deviate from my legal career to this unchartered waters instead. So many people thought I was mad. And never mind those to whom I use to be highly-revered but turned to look at me with distaste and scorn..
My life revolved around work and vice versa; there's no need for a work-life balance, I always say. For I take my work as life, and life as work. Every single piece of work is akin to my masterpiece - it has to be perfected to extreme perfection. Being an enthusiast, I lapped up every chance at grabbing every single piece of work, taking it upon myself and each time when my inner voice chided me, I justified my action by arguing that if I allowed someone else to do it, they will ultimately not do it well and everything will just crumble apart.
The business grew. Versa-Group expanded to areas that mum had always wanted to but never did. There is a healthy cash-flow and when we closed our books last year, our sales peaked at an amazing seven-figure amount - in exact tandem with what I loudly promised mum just two years ago.
And I'm proud at how far I've come. The rapports, respect and reputation that I've pain-stakingly attempted to establish - one brick at a time. I was convinced that I am the boss and as such, have to work a gazillion times harder then any of my employees.
I was so blinded by the fact that because I am so in love with what I do. No need such thing as work-life balance will always be my retort - for my work is my life and vice versa. Full stop.
But to stop now will mean letting my mum down. It means giving up on what I've been trying so hard to establish in this company and the business circle since I graduated.
If this is the price to pay, so be it. I've never allowed anyone's words of limitations to drag me down. Not this time either.
I am dragon, a relentlessly fiery one - you can't ever kill a dragon's spirit unless the dragon itself decides to do so on his/her own.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Look Ma, I'm Walking Again!
I
still remember the morning FJ woke me. As though it happenned just yesterday.
It was the routine. Bleary-eyed and half asleep, I grabbed the pills from her
hand, swallowed it hastily and was just about to plong my head back onto the
pillow when I thought I heard her utter:
"Dear, your mum is here, and she is in the kitchen...."
Before the word “Huh” appeared in my head, mum walked right in front of me. No, this can be happening...I must be dreaming..or hallucinating from missing them too much...
Before the word “Huh” appeared in my head, mum walked right in front of me. No, this can be happening...I must be dreaming..or hallucinating from missing them too much...
Or perhaps,
this chapter is titled: “the truth finally prevailed”. This scenario was often
the subject of jokes but it never crossed my wildest deepest mind that it would
happen to me.
Impossible!
I
mean, why? To them and everyone back home I was the epitome of a perfect
daughter – excelled academically and in other activities, made matured
judgements, responsible, popular...
So how did that picture shatter? J, the culprit! Shortly before that fateful day, J sent an email to mum detailing the “secret” life I have been living in London all along – my life as a revolving door patient at ... to sum it all up, it contained enough details for them to put whatever differences they had between them aside, and to take the next available flight to London.
In the days following their arrival, I continued to go about pretending as though nothing happened; and everything is as good as it seems. It was an extremely delicate pretense for I knew what they know; and vice versa, but I did not know just how to confide. For once, I was lost. My heart felt like an open wound as I saw the hurt in their eyes. I maintained my distance and attempted everything I could to push them away. I fought extremely hard as I did not want them in this. All this while, they never got involved in my personal struggles, so why now? I could not bear to shatter the perfect picture i've so pain-stakingly painted in the last 21 years of my life. Superbly artificial, but that was all I could think of...
So how did that picture shatter? J, the culprit! Shortly before that fateful day, J sent an email to mum detailing the “secret” life I have been living in London all along – my life as a revolving door patient at ... to sum it all up, it contained enough details for them to put whatever differences they had between them aside, and to take the next available flight to London.
In the days following their arrival, I continued to go about pretending as though nothing happened; and everything is as good as it seems. It was an extremely delicate pretense for I knew what they know; and vice versa, but I did not know just how to confide. For once, I was lost. My heart felt like an open wound as I saw the hurt in their eyes. I maintained my distance and attempted everything I could to push them away. I fought extremely hard as I did not want them in this. All this while, they never got involved in my personal struggles, so why now? I could not bear to shatter the perfect picture i've so pain-stakingly painted in the last 21 years of my life. Superbly artificial, but that was all I could think of...
I
thought they would be disappointed. In actual fact, I had rather they did, as
if so, it would sooth the searing guilt and hurt within me. Despite me being so
nasty and defensive, they reacted with being so awfully supportive,
understanding, loving and patient.
I vividly
remember the letter I wrote to mum just before I left to pursue the bar. “I love you and I promise I will do anything
to make you very proud of me.” Proud to me meant only one thing –
excelling. Yes, no doubt I was doing just that; I achieved mostly outstanding
grades; my tutors had absolute high regards for me; I had a string of job
offers and achievements. But behind that beautiful facade, there also lies
another story.
Yes,
those achievements have kept them very happy and accorded them plenty of
bragging rights. But nothing could match the hurt they must have felt – that in
times of pain, I sought support and comfort from my friends instead of going to
them, the very individuals whom have pain-stakingly raised and provided for me from
the womb till now.
Mum
and Kor dearest,
The
reason I reacted the way I did was not because I did not love you enough to
want to let you into my life; but it was only because I love and adore you too truly
deeply much that I cannot bear to see you hurt. I know how deeply worried and
hurt you would be if you knew that your baby was suffering and you both are not
by my side. All my life, I was careful not to burst this bubble I had built to
protect you from the truth.
I just
want to say that I am sorry. For the past 20 years, I have shut you out from my
live to the extent that you do not know the real me. Truth is, I get hurt, I am
not very brilliant, I fail pretty often...and I am as human as I can be. But
one thing will forever remain true – I still live to make you both extremely very
proud, but this time, it is not just only Harvard or whatever else, but I also want
you to be proud looking at how I learn to pick myself up and regain my balance
as and when I fall. Just like now.
Sometimes I think that the phrase ‘thank you’ is not
even sufficient to express the amount of gratitude and appreciation for all
that you have done for me. But that is the best I can do, right now.
Everything
happens for a reason....I look back without a tinge of resentment at having to
endure the past two years, albeit all the extreme suffering. Through it all, I had
the golden opportunity to reshuffle my priorities and learnt that there should
be absolutely nothing more important in life than happiness and your family.
You may be the most brilliant individual in this world, but if you aren’t
happy, all that means nothing to you, personally. Friends may disappoint you,
but your family will never ever let you down. Well, I know mine will never.
Family love is what that is healing me and got me this far.
When
I prayed, I used to demand for many things. In my quest for that, I became very
unhappy as I harped solely on what I did not have. I neglected to pause to be
grateful and appreciative of the many beautiful things that God has already
abundantly blessed my life with.
Mummy dearest, thank you for always being my jack-in-the-box and jack of all trades. You will forever be my number one.
Kor,
you may think that I do not love you enough. But just because someone does not
love you the way you want them to, it does not mean that they do not love you
with all that they have.
I wished
I had known from that fateful morning that everything will be alright. Or
better!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Heart-break
As much as I want to adopt a positive outlook in all aspects, life, but I find myself increasingly troubled and even pressured by this fact. Is it just a mere facade I am putting on, just to psych myself and keep afloat? Maybe it's all lies...just pure gob-smacked nonsense that I am forcing my mind to be convinced of...
Yes, it hurts. Life and love - both are so intrinsically intertwined that it's probably yet another chicken or the egg fable.
....the debilitating anxiety of waiting for your replies or call; the constant worrying that lingers about whether the person in which your heart lies is angry/annoyed/irritated with you, hence the non-replies; the nagging feeling that he/she knows you're truly, madly and deeply in love with him/her; and when the 'Last seen at XX:XX hours' together with the double ticks affirm that he/she has read your Whatsapp but has chosen to ignore it, nevertheless, much to your perils.
It feels like someone has just hit the rewind and replay button back to the days at Taylor's/Reading. Yet, it seemed like I never did learn my lesson and here I am again, six bloody years later, reliving the same epic tale. I thought that lesson was profoundly impactful enough for me to not dish out my heart/love so freely and to not allow another human being to be the sole attendant at the control tower to my entire mind, body and soul, in other words, at his/her whims and fancy.
My heart feels like there exists an open wound and as though another is perpetually stabbing the wound with a piercing sharp object. From there, it numbs my head and mind and the pain is immensely unimaginable...
This alone begs the question....Just how did I allow myself to transcend to this depth?
Now, the only thing that can paint a smile on my face and makes me feel light enough to want to skip is a Whatsapp from you, an email, or just merely to hear your voice. Even if it's for a transient and fleeting moment, that is just about sufficient to fuel my weary soul to make it through yet another day in the life where I bear the brunt of this unrequitted love.
Dear God, where art thou? Why me again? Why now? Why this? Please grant me the strength and endurance to be able to withstand this hurdle. Prove to me that YOU are indeed my creator and the determinant of my fate. Most of all, prove to me that YOU did this to me for a compelling reason, and for the good.
Yes, it hurts. Life and love - both are so intrinsically intertwined that it's probably yet another chicken or the egg fable.
....the debilitating anxiety of waiting for your replies or call; the constant worrying that lingers about whether the person in which your heart lies is angry/annoyed/irritated with you, hence the non-replies; the nagging feeling that he/she knows you're truly, madly and deeply in love with him/her; and when the 'Last seen at XX:XX hours' together with the double ticks affirm that he/she has read your Whatsapp but has chosen to ignore it, nevertheless, much to your perils.
It feels like someone has just hit the rewind and replay button back to the days at Taylor's/Reading. Yet, it seemed like I never did learn my lesson and here I am again, six bloody years later, reliving the same epic tale. I thought that lesson was profoundly impactful enough for me to not dish out my heart/love so freely and to not allow another human being to be the sole attendant at the control tower to my entire mind, body and soul, in other words, at his/her whims and fancy.
My heart feels like there exists an open wound and as though another is perpetually stabbing the wound with a piercing sharp object. From there, it numbs my head and mind and the pain is immensely unimaginable...
This alone begs the question....Just how did I allow myself to transcend to this depth?
Now, the only thing that can paint a smile on my face and makes me feel light enough to want to skip is a Whatsapp from you, an email, or just merely to hear your voice. Even if it's for a transient and fleeting moment, that is just about sufficient to fuel my weary soul to make it through yet another day in the life where I bear the brunt of this unrequitted love.
Dear God, where art thou? Why me again? Why now? Why this? Please grant me the strength and endurance to be able to withstand this hurdle. Prove to me that YOU are indeed my creator and the determinant of my fate. Most of all, prove to me that YOU did this to me for a compelling reason, and for the good.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
loving you in my own special way.
"mum dearest,
i came across this quote somewhere while reading the news and i thought of sharing it with you...
"just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean that they don't love you with all that they have".
i'm sorry that i have my faults and shortcomings and for that reason, i might not always do the things you would like me to. for the past 21 years, i saw how much devotion and love you have showered kk and pp with. how much you have sacrificed for them both. i love you, mum - you're the most important entity in my life. i hope you know that. but just sometimes i get scared that i may not be able to show to you the same level of love as you have shown kk and pp. it disturbes me that i am far from the ideal daughter that you have proven to be but that doesn't mean i love you any less.
and i am selfish mum - i want to be successful in life and be like you, maybe even more, but i am dutifully aware that sometimes this may mean side-lining the people who love me, in pursuit of that goal. for the past 21 years, i have been putting that as my utmost priority but after what happened to me in the past year, i came to the realization that there is nothing more important than happiness and to love, and be loved. but having said that, i'm afraid i may not be able to strike the balance just as you have. and most importantly, i don't want you to be disappointed or think that i don't love you. i will always love you mum, but in my own way. if in future, i do or say anything which makes you doubt how important you are to me, i hope that you will remember these words of mine.
see you soon, yeah?
love,
girl"
i wonder what would be her reply.
i came across this quote somewhere while reading the news and i thought of sharing it with you...
"just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean that they don't love you with all that they have".
i'm sorry that i have my faults and shortcomings and for that reason, i might not always do the things you would like me to. for the past 21 years, i saw how much devotion and love you have showered kk and pp with. how much you have sacrificed for them both. i love you, mum - you're the most important entity in my life. i hope you know that. but just sometimes i get scared that i may not be able to show to you the same level of love as you have shown kk and pp. it disturbes me that i am far from the ideal daughter that you have proven to be but that doesn't mean i love you any less.
and i am selfish mum - i want to be successful in life and be like you, maybe even more, but i am dutifully aware that sometimes this may mean side-lining the people who love me, in pursuit of that goal. for the past 21 years, i have been putting that as my utmost priority but after what happened to me in the past year, i came to the realization that there is nothing more important than happiness and to love, and be loved. but having said that, i'm afraid i may not be able to strike the balance just as you have. and most importantly, i don't want you to be disappointed or think that i don't love you. i will always love you mum, but in my own way. if in future, i do or say anything which makes you doubt how important you are to me, i hope that you will remember these words of mine.
see you soon, yeah?
love,
girl"
i wonder what would be her reply.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Bonjour, Londres!
It's 7 in the evening. I'm sitting by the window with a hot mug of hazelnut coffee, shifting my attention back and forth towards the boats pass slowly along the Thames and the TV. Contented? Duh!! What more can i ask for? Well, how bout this moment, minus having to figure out liability under the Water Industry Act 1991??
I realized what it is that i love so much about being in London. It's the air of independence and freedom that i feel being on this British soil! Life in UK is my own - i established and built it up, single-handedly, without the help of my family. I learnt my way around, learnt how things work here, established my very own everyday routine....and through that all, i grew and matured in my very own capacity, which i am immensely proud of.
I can't help but feel jealous at the bunch of juniors - i wished i had another year at the bar. If i did, i would have done things very very differently. To a great extent, i regretted how i spent my year - no doubt, i did get the grades but in pursuit of that, i missed out a lot of the fun and life as a Londoner. I suppose you ain't wrong if you concluded that the reason i want to be back is to experience the life that i missed....but the only difference is, i don't have many friends left in London now. I wished i did not fall ill, but as i have came to terms with, it's giving up something in exchange for something greater and better.
"Tomorrow is a dream away?" You bet! =)
I realized what it is that i love so much about being in London. It's the air of independence and freedom that i feel being on this British soil! Life in UK is my own - i established and built it up, single-handedly, without the help of my family. I learnt my way around, learnt how things work here, established my very own everyday routine....and through that all, i grew and matured in my very own capacity, which i am immensely proud of.
I can't help but feel jealous at the bunch of juniors - i wished i had another year at the bar. If i did, i would have done things very very differently. To a great extent, i regretted how i spent my year - no doubt, i did get the grades but in pursuit of that, i missed out a lot of the fun and life as a Londoner. I suppose you ain't wrong if you concluded that the reason i want to be back is to experience the life that i missed....but the only difference is, i don't have many friends left in London now. I wished i did not fall ill, but as i have came to terms with, it's giving up something in exchange for something greater and better.
"Tomorrow is a dream away?" You bet! =)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
two worlds, two minds
tell me why am i having two minds about returning to London at the eleventh moment when it was just last month that i dreamt so much about being back there; soaking up life along the riverside, loitering at the borough market, missing the west end shows, having my duck rice (with extra meat!!) and longing for the smell of 71, brewers court.
when i first came home, and even long after that, i convinced myself that i would hate it here in m'sia. the idea of settling down here was just unacceptable. i mean, having my freedom heavily curtailed, the weather, the endless naggings etc etc... so, what is it that has changed in this short (?) time? i don't know. everything else has been the same in the time i've been back - the adoration from my family, friends, a car, maids so that i never have to lift a finger even at house chores, and a lavish home-cooked meal to greet me, every single day when i return home from work. right now, i can't imagine hating life here at m'sia. who am i to kid? i've EVERYTHING, literally the world back here.
perhaps god is making me see a point - that whatever feelings or emotions i have, it is just temporary. don't rush to make decisions according to what you feel at that point in time because what is today might not be the same tomorrow. maybe it is a lesson to be learnt. to think and make wiser decisions in the future. and although i might be feeling sucky and like i've the world on my shoulders, tomorrow would be different. very very different.
my only consolation? that although i'll be gone tomorrow, i've a return ticket due soon. i will be coming home - this is home, where my heart truly belongs.
when i first came home, and even long after that, i convinced myself that i would hate it here in m'sia. the idea of settling down here was just unacceptable. i mean, having my freedom heavily curtailed, the weather, the endless naggings etc etc... so, what is it that has changed in this short (?) time? i don't know. everything else has been the same in the time i've been back - the adoration from my family, friends, a car, maids so that i never have to lift a finger even at house chores, and a lavish home-cooked meal to greet me, every single day when i return home from work. right now, i can't imagine hating life here at m'sia. who am i to kid? i've EVERYTHING, literally the world back here.
perhaps god is making me see a point - that whatever feelings or emotions i have, it is just temporary. don't rush to make decisions according to what you feel at that point in time because what is today might not be the same tomorrow. maybe it is a lesson to be learnt. to think and make wiser decisions in the future. and although i might be feeling sucky and like i've the world on my shoulders, tomorrow would be different. very very different.
my only consolation? that although i'll be gone tomorrow, i've a return ticket due soon. i will be coming home - this is home, where my heart truly belongs.
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