As much as I want to adopt a positive outlook in all aspects, life, but I find myself increasingly troubled and even pressured by this fact. Is it just a mere facade I am putting on, just to psych myself and keep afloat? Maybe it's all lies...just pure gob-smacked nonsense that I am forcing my mind to be convinced of...
Yes, it hurts. Life and love - both are so intrinsically intertwined that it's probably yet another chicken or the egg fable.
....the debilitating anxiety of waiting for your replies or call; the constant worrying that lingers about whether the person in which your heart lies is angry/annoyed/irritated with you, hence the non-replies; the nagging feeling that he/she knows you're truly, madly and deeply in love with him/her; and when the 'Last seen at XX:XX hours' together with the double ticks affirm that he/she has read your Whatsapp but has chosen to ignore it, nevertheless, much to your perils.
It feels like someone has just hit the rewind and replay button back to the days at Taylor's/Reading. Yet, it seemed like I never did learn my lesson and here I am again, six bloody years later, reliving the same epic tale. I thought that lesson was profoundly impactful enough for me to not dish out my heart/love so freely and to not allow another human being to be the sole attendant at the control tower to my entire mind, body and soul, in other words, at his/her whims and fancy.
My heart feels like there exists an open wound and as though another is perpetually stabbing the wound with a piercing sharp object. From there, it numbs my head and mind and the pain is immensely unimaginable...
This alone begs the question....Just how did I allow myself to transcend to this depth?
Now, the only thing that can paint a smile on my face and makes me feel light enough to want to skip is a Whatsapp from you, an email, or just merely to hear your voice. Even if it's for a transient and fleeting moment, that is just about sufficient to fuel my weary soul to make it through yet another day in the life where I bear the brunt of this unrequitted love.
Dear God, where art thou? Why me again? Why now? Why this? Please grant me the strength and endurance to be able to withstand this hurdle. Prove to me that YOU are indeed my creator and the determinant of my fate. Most of all, prove to me that YOU did this to me for a compelling reason, and for the good.
