Heart-break

As much as I want to adopt a positive outlook in all aspects, life, but I find myself increasingly troubled and even pressured by this fact. Is it just a mere facade I am putting on, just to psych myself and keep afloat? Maybe it's all lies...just pure gob-smacked nonsense that I am forcing my mind to be convinced of...

Yes, it hurts. Life and love - both are so intrinsically intertwined that it's probably yet another chicken or the egg fable.

....the debilitating anxiety of waiting for your replies or call; the constant worrying that lingers about whether the person in which your heart lies is angry/annoyed/irritated with you, hence the non-replies; the nagging feeling that he/she knows you're truly, madly and deeply in love with him/her; and when the 'Last seen at XX:XX hours' together with the double ticks affirm that he/she has read your Whatsapp but has chosen to ignore it, nevertheless, much to your perils.


It feels like someone has just hit the rewind and replay button back to the days at Taylor's/Reading. Yet, it seemed like I never did learn my lesson and here I am again, six bloody years later, reliving the same epic tale. I thought that lesson was profoundly impactful enough for me to not dish out my heart/love so freely and to not allow another human being to be the sole attendant at the control tower to my entire mind, body and soul, in other words, at his/her whims and fancy.

My heart feels like there exists an open wound and as though another is perpetually stabbing the wound with a piercing sharp object. From there, it numbs my head and mind and the pain is immensely unimaginable...

This alone begs the question....Just how did I allow myself to transcend to this depth?

Now, the only thing that can paint a smile on my face and makes me feel light enough to want to skip is a Whatsapp from you, an email, or just merely to hear your voice. Even if it's for a transient and fleeting moment, that is just about sufficient to fuel my weary soul to make it through yet another day in the life where I bear the brunt of this unrequitted love.

Dear God, where art thou? Why me again? Why now? Why this? Please grant me the strength and endurance to be able to withstand this hurdle. Prove to me that YOU are indeed my creator and the determinant of my fate. Most of all, prove to me that YOU did this to me for a compelling reason, and for the good.   

loving you in my own special way.

"mum dearest,

i came across this quote somewhere while reading the news and i thought of sharing it with you...

"just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean that they don't love you with all that they have".

i'm sorry that i have my faults and shortcomings and for that reason, i might not always do the things you would like me to. for the past 21 years, i saw how much devotion and love you have showered kk and pp with. how much you have sacrificed for them both. i love you, mum - you're the most important entity in my life. i hope you know that. but just sometimes i get scared that i may not be able to show to you the same level of love as you have shown kk and pp. it disturbes me that i am far from the ideal daughter that you have proven to be but that doesn't mean i love you any less.

and i am selfish mum - i want to be successful in life and be like you, maybe even more, but i am dutifully aware that sometimes this may mean side-lining the people who love me, in pursuit of that goal. for the past 21 years, i have been putting that as my utmost priority but after what happened to me in the past year, i came to the realization that there is nothing more important than happiness and to love, and be loved. but having said that, i'm afraid i may not be able to strike the balance just as you have. and most importantly, i don't want you to be disappointed or think that i don't love you. i will always love you mum, but in my own way. if in future, i do or say anything which makes you doubt how important you are to me, i hope that you will remember these words of mine.

see you soon, yeah?

love,
girl"

i wonder what would be her reply.

Bonjour, Londres!

It's 7 in the evening. I'm sitting by the window with a hot mug of hazelnut coffee, shifting my attention back and forth towards the boats pass slowly along the Thames and the TV. Contented? Duh!! What more can i ask for? Well, how bout this moment, minus having to figure out liability under the Water Industry Act 1991??

I realized what it is that i love so much about being in London. It's the air of independence and freedom that i feel being on this British soil! Life in UK is my own - i established and built it up, single-handedly, without the help of my family. I learnt my way around, learnt how things work here, established my very own everyday routine....and through that all, i grew and matured in my very own capacity, which i am immensely proud of.

I can't help but feel jealous at the bunch of juniors - i wished i had another year at the bar. If i did, i would have done things very very differently. To a great extent, i regretted how i spent my year - no doubt, i did get the grades but in pursuit of that, i missed out a lot of the fun and life as a Londoner. I suppose you ain't wrong if you concluded that the reason i want to be back is to experience the life that i missed....but the only difference is, i don't have many friends left in London now. I wished i did not fall ill, but as i have came to terms with, it's giving up something in exchange for something greater and better.

"Tomorrow is a dream away?" You bet! =)

two worlds, two minds

tell me why am i having two minds about returning to London at the eleventh moment when it was just last month that i dreamt so much about being back there; soaking up life along the riverside, loitering at the borough market, missing the west end shows, having my duck rice (with extra meat!!) and longing for the smell of 71, brewers court.

when i first came home, and even long after that, i convinced myself that i would hate it here in m'sia. the idea of settling down here was just unacceptable. i mean, having my freedom heavily curtailed, the weather, the endless naggings etc etc... so, what is it that has changed in this short (?) time? i don't know. everything else has been the same in the time i've been back - the adoration from my family, friends, a car, maids so that i never have to lift a finger even at house chores, and a lavish home-cooked meal to greet me, every single day when i return home from work. right now, i can't imagine hating life here at m'sia. who am i to kid? i've EVERYTHING, literally the world back here.

perhaps god is making me see a point - that whatever feelings or emotions i have, it is just temporary. don't rush to make decisions according to what you feel at that point in time because what is today might not be the same tomorrow. maybe it is a lesson to be learnt. to think and make wiser decisions in the future. and although i might be feeling sucky and like i've the world on my shoulders, tomorrow would be different. very very different.

my only consolation? that although i'll be gone tomorrow, i've a return ticket due soon. i will be coming home - this is home, where my heart truly belongs.

because i gained 7KGS!

Bro: "Where are my costings.... *turns to look at me*....

....and what the hell are you doing googling how to lose weight at work?!"

I'm leaving, on a JetStar!

Oh, aloha S'pore! =)

Kindy tales!

I stepped into a kindergarten for the FIRST time in my life! The interns had left this week and there weren't enough people to fill up the team. Well, well, let me tell you how it went!

Scene 1:

Me: "Good morning children"
Kids: "Good morning aunty"
Me: "WTF?!?!!!!!"

Scene 2:

*a kid raises his hand*
Me: "Yes, boy?"
Kid: "Why does the brocolli look like a tree?"
Me: "Why do you look like that?"

Boy, am I glad that i skipped kindergarten....

Joy is...

...receiving your first official pay cheque and spending it on the people you love.

Nothing beats that! =)

NST Makeover Challenge

Yes, I applied for it! My slogan? Don't laugh....

I hope to partipate in the Body Makeover Challenge because I have been fat all my life and I deserve to be given a chance to make a change. Because I want to change.

Despite a photoshopped picture, I didn't get it. Maybe it's a consolation - that i'm not big enough!!!!! :P

You know you're studying too hard when.....

....you dream of your French teacher holding your arm and mouthing the words "je suis desole"....

Oh boy, FML!

The boy of my life.

You're my Honeybunch, Sugarplum Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, You're my Sweetie Pie You're my Cuppycake, Gumdrop Snoogums-Boogums, You're the Apple of my Eye And I love you so and I want you to know That I'll always be right here And I love to sing sweet songs to you Because you are so dear

To fly, or not to fly?

Interviewer: "Describe one of the hardest thing you had to face in your life so far."

Me: "Well, my age says that I am 21. You might think that i am not used to seeing or experiencing the brutalities of life. But truth is, everyday is a reality check for me. I cannot exactly tell you what is the hardest thing I had to face because believe it or not, I've never had things going easy for me.

I used to resent the unfortunate things that happened and yes, that really made me miserable. It took me 21 years to figure things out. I finally realized that God made me experience all of those things to make me appreciate life more. And it is only when you start appreciating things, even the tiny little events that goes your way, you find true happiness. You learn not to take things for granted. It's because i've been through really bad days that now i appreciate every single good day of my life".


Did I get the job?

Yes! =)

Hello world!

I realized that in the past year or so, i've been isolating and shutting myself out from all the people around me. I haven't been in contact with all my old friends and haven't been quite bothered in making new ones.

I fervently hope it isn't too late to make amends. I hope that in this lapse of time, i've not been forgotten. And I hope that in their hearts, there's still a place left for me.


Hello world! I'm finally back! =)

Yeah, baby!

Dear chicken rice ball, sate celup, cendol and ikan bakar,

Thank you for your kind patience - i will be coming to grab get you soon so be good and wait up for me, aight?

Yours sincerely,

MC Lee.

=)

Never too late

I was being lazy - i figured, instead of going through the hassle of starting a new blog, why not just delete off all the posts from my old one and start anew. But after scrolling through some of the posts, I decided against it - it brought back too many unpleasant memories from the past which i do not wish to waste any energy to dwell on.

So, anyways, here it is - my brand new sanctuary for my rants. This is me, all new and most importantly, coming back from the brink!

This is me, sipping (homemade) lemonade with plenty of sugar in it from all the lemons.

And this is me, holding on to what makes life truly beautiful!

=)

But I do It Anyways

"You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way. Dream it anyway"

when i was young, i was told i could be somebody as long as i set my mind to achieve it and worked hard enough for it. thinking about what i could be used to make me really happy - it gave me the push to go the extra mile and gave me the fighting spirit to overcome whatever obstacles that came my way. now that i am a grown-up, i realize life is nothing like what it is said to be. you can try the hardest but at the end of the day, it is not up to you to control the circumstances.

dreams become a burden as you grow older because you start to realize you're nothing or nowhere near what you dream that you would be. and the future is beginning to look like one huge vacant black hole. you look around at the people who are living their dream and you question what is it that you lack. why can't you and why can they. the strange bit is, i grew up thinking that i knew exactly what it was that i wanted but now, i realize i don't have a clue at all. i always knew that this would happen.

i hate the existence of life crisis. seriously God, i wish you would and could let me know what am i really here for

Letting Go When You Know Your Heart Says So..

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.” ~ Stephen King

One of the hardest things in life is to let go of the people we love the most.

We hold on to those close to us so tightly, fearing that without them we will be nothing. Fearing that without them the love we feel in our hearts will be forever lost.

Our attachment interferes with the love we have for them, taking away from the purity and the beauty that love has to offer.

Deepak Chopra says it best with these words: “Love allows your beloved the freedom to be unlike you. Attachment asks for conformity to your needs and desires. Love imposes no demands. Attachment expresses an overwhelming demand – “Make me feel whole.” Love expands beyond the limits of two people. Attachment tries to exclude everything but two people.”

I have been in a relationship with my former long-time partner for close to 5 years (or more?), and even though our relationship became very toxic after the 3rd year or so, I found it impossible to let go simply because I knew that without him I would be very unhappy and the irony is that I was already very unhappy, we both were.

“No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.” ~ Haruki Murakami

Letting go doesn’t have to be that hard, in fact, it becomes easier and easier as we learn to accept, appreciate and love ourselves for who we are and for who we are not.

Releasing and letting go will help you return to a place of peace and tranquility.

There comes a time in our lives when we have to do what’s right and to honor not only ourselves, but also the people around us. It’s the relationship that you are letting go of but not the love you have for the other person.

If you love something, if you love someone, and if you feel that you need to let go of them, if it’s required to let go, do it. It might hurt at first but once the pain is gone you will feel more alive than you have ever felt. You will start to see things from a totally different perspective and you will understand that letting go is a sign of strength, of courage and of great love.

You let go of someone not because you no longer care, not because you no longer need and want them in your life, but because you understand that they will be happier someplace else. You will be happy someplace else.

This is what true love is all about.

Real love transcends the material plane and no matter if your bodies are apart, your souls will forever be connected.

“There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.” ~ C. JoyBell C.

If you haven’t found a way to be at peace with yourself, and if you haven’t found a way to be happy on your own, chances are that you won’t be happy next the person you love either. You can’t expect to get from others what you yourself don’t have to offer.

Love yourself. Be good to yourself.

Change the thoughts you think and the words you speak. Purify your internal dialogue. Learn to talk to, and about, yourself in the same way you would talk to, and about, those you love the most.

Meditate. Spend time alone. Take a walk and explore nature with your senses. Write about your thoughts and feelings. Do something you’re passionate about. Go out with your friends. Laugh, dance, be silly, be weird, be playful, be childlike. Do all the things that bring you joy and laughter.

Treat yourself with kindness, love and compassion and learn to express your gratitude for the many gifts life offered you up until this moment.

Take your focus away from those things that cause you to feel pain, stress, anxiety, fear and unhappiness, on to those things that make your heart sing, on to those things that make you happy.

This too shall pass and the more you learn to enjoy your own company, the more comfortable you will be with this idea of letting go and all of a sudden life will become a lot easier.

“Be like the forces of nature: when it blows, there is only wind; when it rains, there is only rain; when the clouds pass, the sun shines through.” ~ Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Let go and trust that maybe life has better plans for you. Go with the flow and not against it.

Why hold on to something good when life wants you to have something better?