loving you in my own special way.

"mum dearest,

i came across this quote somewhere while reading the news and i thought of sharing it with you...

"just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean that they don't love you with all that they have".

i'm sorry that i have my faults and shortcomings and for that reason, i might not always do the things you would like me to. for the past 21 years, i saw how much devotion and love you have showered kk and pp with. how much you have sacrificed for them both. i love you, mum - you're the most important entity in my life. i hope you know that. but just sometimes i get scared that i may not be able to show to you the same level of love as you have shown kk and pp. it disturbes me that i am far from the ideal daughter that you have proven to be but that doesn't mean i love you any less.

and i am selfish mum - i want to be successful in life and be like you, maybe even more, but i am dutifully aware that sometimes this may mean side-lining the people who love me, in pursuit of that goal. for the past 21 years, i have been putting that as my utmost priority but after what happened to me in the past year, i came to the realization that there is nothing more important than happiness and to love, and be loved. but having said that, i'm afraid i may not be able to strike the balance just as you have. and most importantly, i don't want you to be disappointed or think that i don't love you. i will always love you mum, but in my own way. if in future, i do or say anything which makes you doubt how important you are to me, i hope that you will remember these words of mine.

see you soon, yeah?

love,
girl"

i wonder what would be her reply.

Bonjour, Londres!

It's 7 in the evening. I'm sitting by the window with a hot mug of hazelnut coffee, shifting my attention back and forth towards the boats pass slowly along the Thames and the TV. Contented? Duh!! What more can i ask for? Well, how bout this moment, minus having to figure out liability under the Water Industry Act 1991??

I realized what it is that i love so much about being in London. It's the air of independence and freedom that i feel being on this British soil! Life in UK is my own - i established and built it up, single-handedly, without the help of my family. I learnt my way around, learnt how things work here, established my very own everyday routine....and through that all, i grew and matured in my very own capacity, which i am immensely proud of.

I can't help but feel jealous at the bunch of juniors - i wished i had another year at the bar. If i did, i would have done things very very differently. To a great extent, i regretted how i spent my year - no doubt, i did get the grades but in pursuit of that, i missed out a lot of the fun and life as a Londoner. I suppose you ain't wrong if you concluded that the reason i want to be back is to experience the life that i missed....but the only difference is, i don't have many friends left in London now. I wished i did not fall ill, but as i have came to terms with, it's giving up something in exchange for something greater and better.

"Tomorrow is a dream away?" You bet! =)

two worlds, two minds

tell me why am i having two minds about returning to London at the eleventh moment when it was just last month that i dreamt so much about being back there; soaking up life along the riverside, loitering at the borough market, missing the west end shows, having my duck rice (with extra meat!!) and longing for the smell of 71, brewers court.

when i first came home, and even long after that, i convinced myself that i would hate it here in m'sia. the idea of settling down here was just unacceptable. i mean, having my freedom heavily curtailed, the weather, the endless naggings etc etc... so, what is it that has changed in this short (?) time? i don't know. everything else has been the same in the time i've been back - the adoration from my family, friends, a car, maids so that i never have to lift a finger even at house chores, and a lavish home-cooked meal to greet me, every single day when i return home from work. right now, i can't imagine hating life here at m'sia. who am i to kid? i've EVERYTHING, literally the world back here.

perhaps god is making me see a point - that whatever feelings or emotions i have, it is just temporary. don't rush to make decisions according to what you feel at that point in time because what is today might not be the same tomorrow. maybe it is a lesson to be learnt. to think and make wiser decisions in the future. and although i might be feeling sucky and like i've the world on my shoulders, tomorrow would be different. very very different.

my only consolation? that although i'll be gone tomorrow, i've a return ticket due soon. i will be coming home - this is home, where my heart truly belongs.

because i gained 7KGS!

Bro: "Where are my costings.... *turns to look at me*....

....and what the hell are you doing googling how to lose weight at work?!"