~ Desirata ~

"You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way. Dream it anyway"

when i was young, i was told i could be somebody as long as i set my mind to achieve it and worked hard enough for it. thinking about what i could be used to make me really happy - it gave me the push to go the extra mile and gave me the fighting spirit to overcome whatever obstacles that came my way.

now that i am a grown-up, i realize life is nothing like what it is said to be. you can try the hardest but at the end of the day, it is not up to you to control the circumstances. dreams become a burden as you grow older because you start to realize you're nothing or nowhere near what you dream that you would be. and the future is beginning to look like one huge vacant black hole. you look around at the people who are living their dream and you question what is it that you lack. why can't you and why can they. the strange bit is, i grew up thinking that i knew exactly what it was that i wanted but now, i realize i don't have a clue at all.

i always knew that this would happen. i hate the existence of life crisis.

seriously God, i wish you would and could let me know what am i really here for?

'for my life is too short for waiting to see the rising sun'

In younger days, I told myself my life would be my own
And I'd leave the place where sunshine never shone
For my life's too short for waiting when I see the rising sun
Then I know again that I must carry on
Carry on till tomorrow, there's no reason to look back
Carry on, carry on, carry on
Beyond the shadows of the clouds and onward to the sky
Carry on till I find the rainbow's end
For my life's too short for waiting when I see the rising sun
Then I know again that I must carry on

Carry on till tomorrow, there's no reason to look back
Carry on, carry on, carry on

Drifting on the wings of freedom, leave this stormy day
And we'll ride to tomorrow's golden fields
For my life's too short for waiting when I see the rising sun
Then I know again that I must carry on

Carry on, carry on, carry on

And when the heavy journey's done, I'll rest my weary head
For the world and it's colours will be mine
For my life's too short for waiting when I see the setting sun
Then I know again that I must carry on

Carry on till tomorrow, there's no reason to look back
Carry on, carry on, carry on

~ Carry On Till Tomorrow ~

bed 15, thames ward, st. c's MHC, exmoor street, w10 6dz.

"it's like prison. once you walk out, you never look back."

i initially felt rather lost. my routine for the last 35 days. i miss bumping into them while walking down the corridors. peeping into their rooms to say hi whenever i walk pass to get to the dining area to the water dispenser. hearing the panic alarm going off every half hour or so. then the presence of the nurses who would peep into the small window at the door of my room every 15 mins.

that will be an experience which i will always remember.

i understand what some of them mean when they say it's like family there. for a moment, i find myself agreeing to that. there is smth about that place which makes you feel so secured, protected and cared for.

but on second thoughts, i realized that i have no valid reasons to be there. for a lot of them, the ward are the only people they have. but i am privileged to have a family. i have amazing friends. and the outside world is where i rightfully belong.

now i am officially out on my own. it will be a struggle and i will miss it, but only for a very short while. because i have a life waiting for me to settle back in outside those high walls and barbed fences. i still am on my mission to chase dreams and am not willing to give in and bow to the circumstances. 21 years, i am better than that! but if it is God's decision that i am not meant to complete the BVC, i will accept it and move on. i am not the course as whether or not i finish, that does not define me as a person.

the third and the absolute final time. the only difference is, right now i am finally ready! =)