Look Ma, I'm Walking Again!

I still remember the morning FJ woke me. As though it happenned just yesterday. It was the routine. Bleary-eyed and half asleep, I grabbed the pills from her hand, swallowed it hastily and was just about to plong my head back onto the pillow when I thought I heard her utter:  

"Dear, your mum is here, and she is in the kitchen...."

Before the word “Huh” appeared in my head, mum walked right in front of me. No, this can be happening...I must be dreaming..or hallucinating from missing them too much...

Or perhaps, this chapter is titled: “the truth finally prevailed”. This scenario was often the subject of jokes but it never crossed my wildest deepest mind that it would happen to me. 

Impossible!

I mean, why? To them and everyone back home I was the epitome of a perfect daughter – excelled academically and in other activities, made matured judgements, responsible, popular...   

So how did that picture shatter? J, the culprit! Shortly before that fateful day, J sent an email to mum detailing the “secret” life I have been living in London all along – my life as a revolving door patient at ... to sum it all up, it contained enough details for them to put whatever differences they had between them aside, and to take the next available flight to London.

In the days following their arrival, I continued to go about pretending as though nothing happened; and everything is as good as it seems. It was an extremely delicate pretense for I knew what they know; and vice versa, but I did not know just how to confide. For once, I was lost. My heart felt like an open wound as I saw the hurt in their eyes. I maintained my distance and attempted everything I could to push them away. I fought extremely hard as I did not want them in this. All this while, they never got involved in my personal struggles, so why now? I could not bear to shatter the perfect picture i've so pain-stakingly painted in the last 21 years of my life. Superbly artificial, but that was all I could think of...

I thought they would be disappointed. In actual fact, I had rather they did, as if so, it would sooth the searing guilt and hurt within me. Despite me being so nasty and defensive, they reacted with being so awfully supportive, understanding, loving and patient.

I vividly remember the letter I wrote to mum just before I left to pursue the bar. “I love you and I promise I will do anything to make you very proud of me.” Proud to me meant only one thing – excelling. Yes, no doubt I was doing just that; I achieved mostly outstanding grades; my tutors had absolute high regards for me; I had a string of job offers and achievements. But behind that beautiful facade, there also lies another story.

Yes, those achievements have kept them very happy and accorded them plenty of bragging rights. But nothing could match the hurt they must have felt – that in times of pain, I sought support and comfort from my friends instead of going to them, the very individuals whom have pain-stakingly raised and provided for me from the womb till now.  

Mum and Kor dearest,

The reason I reacted the way I did was not because I did not love you enough to want to let you into my life; but it was only because I love and adore you too truly deeply much that I cannot bear to see you hurt. I know how deeply worried and hurt you would be if you knew that your baby was suffering and you both are not by my side. All my life, I was careful not to burst this bubble I had built to protect you from the truth.

I just want to say that I am sorry. For the past 20 years, I have shut you out from my live to the extent that you do not know the real me. Truth is, I get hurt, I am not very brilliant, I fail pretty often...and I am as human as I can be. But one thing will forever remain true – I still live to make you both extremely very proud, but this time, it is not just only Harvard or whatever else, but I also want you to be proud looking at how I learn to pick myself up and regain my balance as and when I fall. Just like now.

Sometimes I think that the phrase ‘thank you’ is not even sufficient to express the amount of gratitude and appreciation for all that you have done for me. But that is the best I can do, right now.

Everything happens for a reason....I look back without a tinge of resentment at having to endure the past two years, albeit all the extreme suffering. Through it all, I had the golden opportunity to reshuffle my priorities and learnt that there should be absolutely nothing more important in life than happiness and your family. You may be the most brilliant individual in this world, but if you aren’t happy, all that means nothing to you, personally. Friends may disappoint you, but your family will never ever let you down. Well, I know mine will never. 

 Family love is what that is healing me and got me this far.

When I prayed, I used to demand for many things. In my quest for that, I became very unhappy as I harped solely on what I did not have. I neglected to pause to be grateful and appreciative of the many beautiful things that God has already abundantly blessed my life with.

Mummy dearest, thank you for always being my jack-in-the-box and jack of all trades. You will forever be my number one.

Kor, you may think that I do not love you enough. But just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, it does not mean that they do not love you with all that they have.

I wished I had known from that fateful morning that everything will be alright. Or better!